words

they elude me. these blogs and notes (e-deliveries of my over-analytical psyche/internal life) don't feel so simple right now. neat packages of lessons learned or neuroses tied-up aren't coming so easy. no surpise that they weren't at the top of my priorities list in the final weeks of school.

but now the neutering stress of school has been replaced over the "what-comes-now?" thoughts of a post-undergraduate dutifully passing out maps and license tags at the autoclub between entertaining thoughts of grad school and mission trips abroad in a milieu dotted with the accomplished "isn't-that-cool?" post-graduate plans of friends and peers.

two things hold me in san diego: money and the lack of a life here.

if I stay in sd, working...those abroad dreams become less fanciful, the return to america less ominous, the debt burden reduced.

if I stay in sd, I can begin to build a life of service/of meaning here. regular church attendance, involving myself, maybe even serving. maybe, I'll prove to myself that I can do it here and be fulfilled, that I need to do this for God, not for europe and God.

other things push me out abroad now.

I should "start my life" now. a year or two of autoclub work will hold me back, peers will advance as I languish.

people do loans. don't let fear of debt delay life, wasting some of the most free, dynamic years life.


also on my mind now: my desire for love and being authentic.

I'd rather not so manage my interactions with others. I want to be myself and I want to be liked just-as-I-am: a sometimes stagnant, reaching, self-aware, laughing, hurting person with a well-earned low opinion of himself and quite the theology/Jesus consciousness.

I don't mind managing this so much with co-workers and acquaintances (people who don't have the time to get to know most of me). but doing it with my good friends is so frustrating. I don't want to push them away. I want to keep interacting with them as a normal, psychologically healthy, listening, calm/deliberate headed, well-adjusted person that I've aspired so hard to be. who gets excited about perceptions of transgressing the borders of appropriate male gender and/or happy/well-adjusted communication? plus, lots of self-help-y "be yourself" mantras are all about affirming our fallen, broken state, misdiagnosing the ills and prescribing terrible remedies. I want to do this right. I want to do what's whole and growing and right.

but I aslo want the people who withhold intimacy and love and understanding to grab me, look me in the eyes and tell me that I matter, that they care. that they'll take me as I am help me become better. that they don't lord over me enjoying the unequal sharing of power and meaning, purposely withholding openness and listening. frack...that they'll give me anything more than blank stares, inane or themselves-centered talk, or insincere smiles.

it's so selfish and I waffle, not knowing what would be good for me.

how much would help and how much would reinforce everything wrong about me?

I'm weak and I'm strong--not wholly one or the other. I want to be better (and to which degree or of which virtues I need to pursue, I don't and can't articulate right now at least).

again, my apologies for spilling this here. thank you.

ohhh

i made a thousand dollar mistake recently

a flight to europe
a nice camera
a couple iPod touches

no

instead, I get a lesson