Wednesday, September 12, 2012

doing well

It's been months since I've checked in here. I dated seriously (some 'firsts' were had, some cliche mistakes made) and I learned a lot. Do I know who I am? Not yet. Maybe never. I learned things, things I needed to know (I know I've said that before...). I read some books and indelicately appropriated lots of new ideas. I sent lots of texts and e-mails that I'm proud of. Left lots of Facebook comments that made me chuckle later. (that's a weird thing to put here...but those are the concrete things I can point to--the pieces of me that I know exist because there they sit even when I'm not conscious of them. and back to self-serving observations: sometimes, when I read what I write, I learn that there's more to me than even I knew--there's more in that subconscious than I thought). Made friends, ate out, saw movies. Traveled. What else? I jumped out of a plane, swam naked under a waterfall, burst into years saying goodbye to a friend. Tried to be someone new and failed...a little. Became someone different.

I'm really terrible at predicting my life many months hence--but I think that, in many ways, I keep getting better at life--and that makes me hopeful. Has real life come easily yet? Nope. I'm still the old verbal, dissimulating, fractious self, enlarging my personality against the relief of the big ideas, meeting despair with sublimity...and jokes, smiling at chaos, brandishing puns. Dicking around a lot too. Repeating myself. Wasting time on people out of strange neurotic needs I don't control all that well. Comparing myself to others. Wanting to love--being thwarted, failing too. Wanting to be loveable, with some success (when not failing). But I yam what I yam--and sometimes yam suits me a lot better than others.

I'm taking four psychology classes now, working 30 hours a week, and prepping for two GRE tests (regular and psychology subject test) and running a lot as I'm attempting to get thru over a hundred hours of psych audio courses (30 miles last weekend!) I feel busy. Grad school in a year? I hope. 

In the meantime? More dancing, a teensy bit more alcohol, German studying, philosophy, kissing. Fun and love, I hope--one or the other, at least.