handhold out of reach

i want to write a letter
but only jagged thoughts,
half formed
rise to the top
they need more dressing,
they need legs
but i can't will the concentration

i'm invigorated by the ideas
but they are naked
not ready for show,
not ready for you
only ideas with soft bellies
exposed hides
ripe for spearing
you'd kill them
dismiss me

taciturn outside
tumult inside
i thrash for an anchor but fall resigned
the prose won't come
this is an autodidact's lament
none of this comes naturally to me
mine is an intellect of intention
born of personality, not nature
so much distress for so long
because I mistook potentialities for realities

so now I sow pitiful grappling hooks
and write shitty poetry

I will win

you peevish, small man

to belittle me?
you fool!

my mind went blank
how I shook for a clever retort
a withering put-down
a riposte straight to your heart

but nothing.
humiliated, I despaired

but then!
I saw their eyes
and I angled to let them witness me
pity my resigned and downcast stare

you will lose!
the innocent is exalted
the guilty condemned

this slight will pass from your mind
but not from mine

the others will hate you
I will sow the seeds of your contempt
nurture the sproutlings of your censure
I will raise a smothering jungle!

enjoy the self-satisfaction of your affront
illusory highs will stalk your fated alienation!

I am dedicated

I will win

beautiful song

been looping this song for weeks. i love the lyrics--the biblical references, faith's language co-opted for romantic love. it makes me want to fall in (desirous) love, to feel love. experience that for someone.

video's a bit camp. sure, lennox is white-girl-soul-ing it up, but I had hoped that her music-videoed vocals would be ascending toward transcendence a little more reverently and conservatively instead of riding irridescent bands emanating from a silver catsuit-ed lennox. oh well.