Sunday, August 9, 2009

car on the fritz and I'm losing my wits

my trusty red jeep is less trusty these days. following a little 1am stranded-ness on the side of the road, I drove my car from home to the mechanic's. in third gear. the whole way--during rush hour on the freeway. well, at least I learned that I'm pretty adept at managing to not stall when going from 0 to drive in third gear. I should get an award.

there were calls to co-workers, family, mechanics, and dentists (appointment rescheduling). there were estimates (two, varying by $600--both more than what the car's worth). there were requests for leave from work. then, the research fun began--how does cash for clunkers work? how does one buy a new car and not get ripped off?

but no new car now (it seems that buying a second house is bad time for dear child to need a new car and asking dutiful parents to buy a new car in order to generate a hand-me-down). and no repairs--why sink any money into my little red deathtrap? jeep is working for now only because it suspects that otherwise I'll junk him (only time I personify my car).

it's all such a mess. fml.

in happier news, new music elevates my mood and a dessert. recent downloads: kabul sh*t and get better and gives you hell. and Mika's new EP. as for the dessert, I'm making this for a co-worker's sendoff potluck.

*UPDATE* the jeep was clunkered! new car bought. new car given to father. father's old car was given to me. I'm now the proud owner of a 99 Camry, with AC (no more shirtless driving like a hillbilly) and with power locks/windows. I froze my hands numb the first day just because I could.

Monday, August 3, 2009

mentality bunkered

i hated myself long before you knew my name.

there's no slander you could say
that wasn't already a self-reproach
no indictment you could level
that hasn't yet been heard in the court of my mind


but fuck it all. you don't think about me, do you? you never did. you won't. and yet i've worked so hard to preempt your every accusation. i wasted time and energy learning to play games I don't even like. i lost myself aquiring weapons for a battle that will never come.

thank the gods i found some precious things in my journeys. thank the gods that i now celebrate some of the things i once hid. and thank you, my ghostly antagonist: your specter loomed and it sharpened me; it shaped me. you changed me for the better--so much so that you're dissipating before my eyes.

i'm walking away now. now I live for my friends and for me.