Sunday, August 9, 2009

car on the fritz and I'm losing my wits

my trusty red jeep is less trusty these days. following a little 1am stranded-ness on the side of the road, I drove my car from home to the mechanic's. in third gear. the whole way--during rush hour on the freeway. well, at least I learned that I'm pretty adept at managing to not stall when going from 0 to drive in third gear. I should get an award.

there were calls to co-workers, family, mechanics, and dentists (appointment rescheduling). there were estimates (two, varying by $600--both more than what the car's worth). there were requests for leave from work. then, the research fun began--how does cash for clunkers work? how does one buy a new car and not get ripped off?

but no new car now (it seems that buying a second house is bad time for dear child to need a new car and asking dutiful parents to buy a new car in order to generate a hand-me-down). and no repairs--why sink any money into my little red deathtrap? jeep is working for now only because it suspects that otherwise I'll junk him (only time I personify my car).

it's all such a mess. fml.

in happier news, new music elevates my mood and a dessert. recent downloads: kabul sh*t and get better and gives you hell. and Mika's new EP. as for the dessert, I'm making this for a co-worker's sendoff potluck.

*UPDATE* the jeep was clunkered! new car bought. new car given to father. father's old car was given to me. I'm now the proud owner of a 99 Camry, with AC (no more shirtless driving like a hillbilly) and with power locks/windows. I froze my hands numb the first day just because I could.

Monday, August 3, 2009

mentality bunkered

i hated myself long before you knew my name.

there's no slander you could say
that wasn't already a self-reproach
no indictment you could level
that hasn't yet been heard in the court of my mind

-

but fuck it all. you don't think about me, do you? you never did. you won't. and yet i've worked so hard to preempt your every accusation. i wasted time and energy learning to play games I don't even like. i lost myself aquiring weapons for a battle that will never come.

thank the gods i found some precious things in my journeys. thank the gods that i now celebrate some of the things i once hid. and thank you, my ghostly antagonist: your specter loomed and it sharpened me; it shaped me. you changed me for the better--so much so that you're dissipating before my eyes.

i'm walking away now. now I live for my friends and for me.