Thursday, January 14, 2010

there's a girl

I think I'm wooing"think" because I'm rusty and inexperienced in the ways of infatuation and romance. I probably need to woo more though, since this crush seems unrequitedeither that or she's worse at this than I am.

It's strange, for the last few years I've been, without incident, comfortably single. I've been lonely at times, also self-doubting a bit, nervously wondering if I was missing out on valuable life experience and letting time and opportunities slip by as I approached my latter 20s. Despite that and in part, to be honest, a neurotic detachment from most people and relationships, I've always had other priorities, namely self-development in the areas of good-personhood, intellect, and faith...oh, and laziness. So this is a diversion of sorts.

I think everything there has to be written about love/romance/attraction has been committed to paper and blog but here are some of my thoughts:

I’m finding the daydreams ridiculously but delightfully irrational.

In my perfect world everyone would speak the truth in love. Well, the whole "truth in love" thing is more an ideological, doctrinal commitment I assent to because it's very Christian. If I were to give my more fallen spin on that, I wish I could be exactly who I am at present and still be loved/even admired by all the right people, even as those right people edge me closer to redemption, or, merely, better personhood—so my daily life is very human with flashes of aiming for the Good or God. Please bear with me as I get to the point: there are limits on this "being yourself"—1) it can be very stupid at work or in school, for example, where one has to submit in order to stay in the good graces of one's institutional superiors or 2) in regards to love with the people closest to oneself, where sometimes love demands yielding and sacrificial compassion rather than demanding one's rights or brandishing saber-like truths. So after some prefatory remarks (see, I think about this little...I think I'll need to a blog about just that some time) let me say that courting is something for which I am pretty unprepared for. It's ironic to me that as one endeavors toward the most intimate of interpersonal relationships, one has to conceal and qualify so much. It's like chess (I imagine, since I haven't a clue how to play) with gambits and calculated maneuvers. This is trying for me because, despite my bachelorhood, I put a lot stock in eventual coupling and marriage—of all the meaning found there, of finding yourself in another. So, what a strange start to that.

If that happens now, which is looking doubtful.