in 2010, I

ran ≈ 485 miles

completed my first marathon in 3 hours 38 minutes and 4 seconds

drove up to LA with friends just for chicken and waffles at roscoe's

spent a week in san francisco, seeing the sites, visiting friends, easter service in a cathedral, wine country tourin', chats in the parlor

took a photoshop class

was a boyfriend for 5 months

ate apple pie in Julian

ate a fried klondike bar at the del mar fair

got broken up with

got drunk and wandered/danced the streets at 2 a.m., blasting music thru my qc2s, fell asleep in my car

hiked 25 miles round-trip and made it to the top of the 11,500 ft peak of mt san gorgonio

saw scott pilgrim twice at the theater

took a 5 unit german class at a local community college

enjoyed some life-defining albums

saw Robyn in concert

swam with a wild dolphin in Hawaii

finally volunteered at church

soaked in the hot springs of two countries

rode a horse to a waterfall in Costa Rica

rappelled down a 220 ft waterfall

went white water rafting

ziplined

got a picture with a monkey

embraced a label

decided to work on living for myself

christianity and the alientation from self

[ehhh, I can't write that blog, but I'd love to read it]

the consolation of...long quotes

There is a pleasure in philosophy, and a lure even in the mirages of metaphysics, which every student feels until the coarse necessities of physical existence drag him from the heights of thought into the mart of economic strife and gain. Most of us have known some golden days in the June of life when philosophy was in fact what Plato calls it, "that dear delight"; when the love of a modestly elusive Truth seemed more glorious, incomparably, than the lust for the ways of the flesh and the dross of the world. And there is always some wistful remnant in us of that early wooing of wisdom. "Life has meaning," we feel with Browning—"to find its meaning is my meat and drink." So much of our lives is meaningless, a self-canceling vacillation and futility; we strive with the chaos about us and within; but we would believe all the while that there is something vital and significant in us, could we but decipher our own souls. We want to understand; "life means for us constantly to transform into light and flame all that we are or meet with"; we are like Mitya in The Brothers Karamazov—"one of those who don't want millions, but an answer to their questions"; we want to seize the value and perspective of passing things, and so to pull ourselves up out of the maelstrom of daily circumstance. We want to know that the little things are little, and the big things big, before it is too late; we want to see things now as they will seem forever—"in the light of eternity." We want to learn to laugh in the face of the inevitable, to smile even at the looming of death. We want to be whole, to coordinate our energies by criticizing and harmonizing our desires; for coordinated energy is the last word in ethics and politics, and perhaps in logic and metaphysics too. "To be a philosopher," said Thoreau, "is not merely to have subtle thoughts, nor even to found a school, but so to love wisdom as to live, according to its dictates, a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity, and trust." We may be sure that if we can but find wisdom, all things else will be added unto us. "Seek ye first the good things of the mind," Bacon admonishes us, "and the rest will either be supplied or its loss will not be felt." Truth will not make us rich, but it will make us free.

-Will Durant

wear sunscreen

recently, I was talking to a young person, a newbie college-student, and, for whatever condescending/parodic-paternal reasons, I had two pieces of hard-earned 24 year-old wisdom I wanted to impart:

-be an interesting person
-don't live for anyone else

"be an interesting person" is actually a piece of advice that came to mind years ago when I imagined what advice I'd give college students decades hence when I was a lauded veteran writer (of course, I didn't, and still don't, want to write anything -- just the perks please).

this first piece of advice I do try to live by, devoting significant efforts in reading, travel, and conversation (though never enough efforts as my psychic taskmaster would like). when my brother hectors me about squandering my energies and youth at TWTSNBN (theworksplacethatshallnotbenamed) or on quixotic fantasies of globe-spanning volunteer work, I remind him that I'm a smart person who has no intention of wasting my life, quite the opposite -- my aim is to get the most out of it.

but, on this journeying toward the contented, accomplished life, I have to know what my lodestars are and what I'm packing. and this is where the thoughts of others come into play, helping me choose the values to live by and the virtues to pursue and developing the faculties of sense, intellect, and emotion that ensure both that my particular journey is the right one and that I'll be best poised for the vagaries and vicissitudes of life that await me.

be interesting, for yourself first and then for others.

"don't live for anyone else" is something that came to mind the summer after my freshman year of college. it wasn't until my 19th year that I became interested in myself, my personality, in a critical/analytical way. it was a revelation, a summer of a-has and eurekas, where for the first time in my life I started to acknowledge and examine the unconscious and subconscious impulses and motivations of my psyche. it was liberating, a reclamation of some agency from the invisible hand of the past. I realized that I was living a life for others: for a father I was determined to be the opposite of, for a mother who wanted a wealthy son to take care of her, for jerks from high school (a successful/affluent life the consummation of my desires for vindictive triumph). unfortunately, I replaced my childhood others with new ones (better ones, no doubt) but there is more work that I need to do. it is a lifelong pursuit, anyway (there will always be others). as a New Yorker cartoon mused, "you're born, you deconstruct your childhood, and then you die."

find yourself and live for him. oh, and god.

oh, one more piece of advice: wear sunscreen

some late night thoughts

first off: I'm listening to shakira's waka waka right now. just downloaded it today. what a mood elevator. I'm toe-tapping as I type. in this buoyancy it occurred to me that I should write a blog.

studying german right now. well I should be. test tomorrow. I don't care for this stress. depression (or should I say unhappiness) is better than this. and then soul-sucking work tomorrow. god made me for leisure and wealth. he made me this way and I think the government, the church, and all civilization really, needs to accommodate my true self. well, I will persevere--the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward self-satisfaction.

broke up with a friend yesterday. friend wanted to squeeze blood from a turnip. well the turnip, yours truly, had nothing left to cede and I decided that even I (a proponent of a little penitential hair-shirting and self-flagellation) liked myself too much to put myself through that. in the midst of the confabulating, I thought "there are at least 7 people (friends of mine) who would never put me through this and they're still going to be around after tonight." so I ended it with, "maybe one day we'll be people who can be friends again." --a line I used once with an ex-girlfriend. if you need it, it's yours. public domain. happy breakin' up.

it's become clearer recently that I'll be working about another year to year and a half and then "starting my life." this means either nazarene mission corps or grad school. now I say 'either' like those are sure-things. who knows. everything is tentative, contingent. but 26 will not see me working at the XXXX XXXX.

books! glorious books! i need to read the ones I already have and I need to read more than one every couple months if I ever hope to crease a majority of those pristine spines before I move far away from these book cases.

gute nacht!

german syntax is a little different

English: I cannot bring it to you today.

German: Ich kann es Ihnen nicht heute bringen.

Word for word literal translation of the above German: I can it to you not today bring.

und scheiße.

hmmm

"Nobody is easier to expose to public obloquy than your parents; unless they desert you, you are likely to know a lot about them, some of it unflattering. Most of the human race considers it ungracious to take advantage of them." -Joseph Sobran