Temptation

I've been doing my best to manage my thoughts about the often-ridiculous members who walk through the doors at the AAA. I give them the Jesus eyes, I treat them just like I would want my little old grandmother to be treated, and I pray for the Holy Spirit to kick in, with an added Divine gust of love, as I struggle to project unconditional positive regard toward someone who just told me to "eat sh!t." Today, I had to serve another doozy of a member and I spent the rest of the day fighting off terrible thoughts about this man.

I first tried self-discipline. My internal dialogue went something like, "OK try harder, try harder. This is virtue at the testing point. Be as nice as possible. Not too nice. Don't let his unreasonableness win out. Wait, Love is all giving. Treat him like he's Mother Teresa. OK that's not working. Wait, watch your tone. Double up on the smiles and niceness. This is for your good and his." As he left, I thought that it would have been better to pray to God rather than give myself a peptalk. "Ah, next time add prayer."

Then next, I tried pity: "Wait, you know who I really need to pray for? Him. He's the one whose life is so miserable he gets upset over missing forms—how awful such a life must be for such an impatient man! Tonight I pray for the a$$hole!—er, child of God whose redemption is made possible by the same Christ who redeemed me; that's right: we're both in the same boat really—both awful sinners deserving death. Oh, he's going to need a lot of prayer."

Then I got angry. Coming off those lofty feelings of my loving realization that he needed the prayer, I heard that he had complained about me—suggesting my transfer or termination. Well Jesus went out the window at the moment and I entertained fantasies of scrambling over my counter and stabbing the jerk with my pen. I came down quickly from that as I remembered a passage from The Great Divorce (which I'm re-reading at the moment) where a redeemed spirit confesses to his unrepentant boss and asks for his forgiveness for laying in bed at night in past times and dreaming of terrible things he would do to his cruel boss should the opportunity ever present itself.

That made me focus: I'm battling evil thoughts in my mind right now. They do not deserve indulgence. The fruit of temptation is there—and it is ripe; but I cannot reach for it. Satan was tempting me with anger. And honestly, this is probably the first time that I realized and dwelt on the fact that Satan also tempts me when it comes to anger. How easy is it for me to imagine that he tempts me with lust, gluttony, or greed—but how did I never consider that the great Deceiver is ready to reap the harvest from the tempting seeds of wrath in my mind? And not just anger, why don't I think the same of sloth, envy, and pride as I do with sex, food, and money? I know where underwear ads, free cookies, and the future salaries of my friends lead my mind, why haven't I given the same pre-thought and caution to where it will wander when a troublsome customer comes to my desk? I need to get more serious about ALL temptation.

Sorry, this may seem old news to many but it's pretty new to me.

There but for the grace of God go I.