Wednesday, January 23, 2008

always hopeful for a time when I don't write things like this

sitting here out-of-shape, homely
numb with everything

a body and will that betray me

a talker/writer but not a doer

a mind so sick and small
i'm not sure what i want
that's a lie
i want what everybody wants
recogntion, caring

so selfish still

i just want to matter
to say worthy things

kill a neurosis
read a book
have faith
someone to love
someone to love me

i want to be someone else

ipod charging
cold feet beneath an electric blanket
noise canceling headphones donned
wardrobe in the closet
typing at computer
-the blessed life, you know


self-aware of the ego consuming all

had a similar crisis in london
some voice just kept repeating,
"get out of yourself"
insight is a bit stale now
maybe, i'll do that mission trip
concerning future,
it's one of only a few respectable
things I have to talk about

highs of life:
music
laughing

i want God on the list
but i don't try hard enough

i'm defensive too
i do want to change
become what i'm supposed to be in Christ

though, for now i just feel
that i have to go back to fundamentals
be honest

i'm not a good christian
not a good male
not a good student
not a good learner

so I'm incongruent
the answer isn't lying about where i'm at
or running away from those ideals


i don't want affirmation
and change seems impossible
so i just go numb
and this rut stretches into the future

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